dmdeane
06-05-2006, 11:19 PM
Black Books.
I didn't see a thread about Black Books so I decided I would start one. Currently on BBC America. Absolutely hilarious. Bookstore owner Bernard Black (Dylan Moran) is irritable drunk Irish bohemian type. Rude to customers, etc. His assistant Manny (Bill Bailey) and friend Fran (Tamsin Greig) also star.
Check it out.
Some quotes worth quoting:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0262150/
Manny: You are a filth *wizard*. Friend only to the pig and the rat. Ugh. Look?
[he opens a pizza box]
Bernard: Pizza. I was going to warm it and eat it later. *Everybody* does that. That's *normal*. You are just *looking* for things to complain about.
Manny: And what are these?
Bernard: ...wasps.
Bernard: Hanley! Hanley, come out you blood sucker!
[the door opens]
Solicitor: Miss Hanley is dead.
Bernard: Eh?
Solicitor: She died in the night.
Bernard: I don't care... I mean, how awful.
Moo-Pa: So, Bernard, the shop's still called "Black Books", is it?
Bernard: Yeah. I was going to call it "World of Tights", but you know how stupid people are, you have to spell everything out!
Manny: This place could look all right, you know, with a few lamps.
Bernard: Why didn't you just say you were gay?
Manny: I'm not.
Bernard: But you're interested in lamps.
Manny: Yeah, but I'm interested in women... and lamps. I thought you were actually. Gay, I mean
Bernard: So did I, for a short while, but then I learnt of the prohibitive standards of hygiene, and all that *dancing*
Bernard: [Bernard watches a beautiful woman walk by] Mustn't stare, mustn't stare.
Fran: You haven't stared at me...
Bernard: You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree.
Fran: Look Bernard, look at my new phone! Look, look, look, look, look! It's got web access, it's got a camera, it can do everything...
Bernard: Daaggh! Can it stop boring conversations?
Fran: No, none of them can do that.
Bernard: Mine can.
[Bernard picks up his phone receiver and speaks into it]
Bernard: Shut up about your phone.
Bernard: [describing his friends Gerald and Sarah] And she's an interior designer, she's on that show "Pet Surprise".
Manny: Haven't heard of it.
Bernard: You know, you know. They take the dog out for a walk, he thinks it's a normal walk and when he gets back the kennels got a patio and french doors!
Manny: Ah yeah...
Bernard: And he's like, "Oh my god!"
[attempting to fill in his tax return form]
Bernard: "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name? I just knew her as "Ma"! That'll have to do.
[writing on the form]
Bernard: 'Ma. Possibly deceased'.
[on being a pregnant woman's 'birth partner']
Bernard: Urk. That's going to be intense, a lot of blood, a lot of shouting, and urm...
Fran: Oh, no no no, I'll just get drunk. In fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk, it'll be just like the old days.
Rich Guy: Those books. How much?
Bernard: Hmmm?
Rich Guy: Those books. The leather-bound ones.
Bernard: Yes, Dickens, the Collected Works of Charles Dickens.
Rich Guy: Are they real leather?
Bernard: They're real Dickens.
Rich Guy: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with the sofa.
[Bernard looks confused]
Rich Guy: Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.
Bernard: Two hundred what?
Rich Guy: Two hundred pounds.
Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
Rich Guy: No.
Bernard: Sorry. I need leather bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next.
Bernard: [speaking through a megaphone] Right, the shop is closed, everybody get out! Time to go home, come on!
Old lady: But it's only quarter to three!
Bernard: Yes, but it's my shop.
[now shooing them out with a broom]
Bernard: Come on, go home, bye bye, get out...
Old lady: That's hardly fair!
Bernard: It isn't fair at all. Get out!
Rich Guy: I expect better service!
Bernard: Well, expect away. Goodbye! Come on, all you time-wasting bastards, back on the streets. Thank you!
[slams door]
Manny: I want the weekend off. I want a life.
Bernard: This is life! We suffer and slave and expire. That's it!
Manny: We have needs! Fran wants to learn the piano, I want some time to myself, you want to go out with a girl...
Bernard: Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you'll toil your life away, and I'll die alone, upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.
Manny: Let's paaaaar...
Bernard: Don't you dare use the word "party" as a verb in this shop!
Customer: [brings back copy of Tempocalypse] I bought this for a friend, and they didn't want it, i was wondering if i could exchange it, preferably for the money
Bernard: [grabs the book and begins flicking through it rapidly then stops] Aha! sand!
[collects some onto his finger]
Bernard: Manny!
[sprinkles it into manny's mouth]
Manny: [tasting the sand] Sardinia... South... Porto Scuzo... The little beach by the monastery.
Bernard: [to customer] Get out!
[shoves his book back into his hands]
Customer: Damn!
[leaves]
Bernard: [selling a book] Enjoy. It's dreadful, but quite short.
Bernard: Who are you?
First Customer: I'm a customer.
Bernard: Oh, right.
Bernard: You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.
Bernard: It's all waffle! Nobody is prepared to admit that wine doesn't have a taste.
Manny: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?
Bernard: It's some sort of delicious biscuit.
Manny: It's a coaster!
Manny: Right now, I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe.
Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon...
Bernard: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman.
Fran: Okay, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange?
Bernard: No, I'd ask you to come 'round and look after my small children.
Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
I didn't see a thread about Black Books so I decided I would start one. Currently on BBC America. Absolutely hilarious. Bookstore owner Bernard Black (Dylan Moran) is irritable drunk Irish bohemian type. Rude to customers, etc. His assistant Manny (Bill Bailey) and friend Fran (Tamsin Greig) also star.
Check it out.
Some quotes worth quoting:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0262150/
Manny: You are a filth *wizard*. Friend only to the pig and the rat. Ugh. Look?
[he opens a pizza box]
Bernard: Pizza. I was going to warm it and eat it later. *Everybody* does that. That's *normal*. You are just *looking* for things to complain about.
Manny: And what are these?
Bernard: ...wasps.
Bernard: Hanley! Hanley, come out you blood sucker!
[the door opens]
Solicitor: Miss Hanley is dead.
Bernard: Eh?
Solicitor: She died in the night.
Bernard: I don't care... I mean, how awful.
Moo-Pa: So, Bernard, the shop's still called "Black Books", is it?
Bernard: Yeah. I was going to call it "World of Tights", but you know how stupid people are, you have to spell everything out!
Manny: This place could look all right, you know, with a few lamps.
Bernard: Why didn't you just say you were gay?
Manny: I'm not.
Bernard: But you're interested in lamps.
Manny: Yeah, but I'm interested in women... and lamps. I thought you were actually. Gay, I mean
Bernard: So did I, for a short while, but then I learnt of the prohibitive standards of hygiene, and all that *dancing*
Bernard: [Bernard watches a beautiful woman walk by] Mustn't stare, mustn't stare.
Fran: You haven't stared at me...
Bernard: You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree.
Fran: Look Bernard, look at my new phone! Look, look, look, look, look! It's got web access, it's got a camera, it can do everything...
Bernard: Daaggh! Can it stop boring conversations?
Fran: No, none of them can do that.
Bernard: Mine can.
[Bernard picks up his phone receiver and speaks into it]
Bernard: Shut up about your phone.
Bernard: [describing his friends Gerald and Sarah] And she's an interior designer, she's on that show "Pet Surprise".
Manny: Haven't heard of it.
Bernard: You know, you know. They take the dog out for a walk, he thinks it's a normal walk and when he gets back the kennels got a patio and french doors!
Manny: Ah yeah...
Bernard: And he's like, "Oh my god!"
[attempting to fill in his tax return form]
Bernard: "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name? I just knew her as "Ma"! That'll have to do.
[writing on the form]
Bernard: 'Ma. Possibly deceased'.
[on being a pregnant woman's 'birth partner']
Bernard: Urk. That's going to be intense, a lot of blood, a lot of shouting, and urm...
Fran: Oh, no no no, I'll just get drunk. In fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk, it'll be just like the old days.
Rich Guy: Those books. How much?
Bernard: Hmmm?
Rich Guy: Those books. The leather-bound ones.
Bernard: Yes, Dickens, the Collected Works of Charles Dickens.
Rich Guy: Are they real leather?
Bernard: They're real Dickens.
Rich Guy: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with the sofa.
[Bernard looks confused]
Rich Guy: Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.
Bernard: Two hundred what?
Rich Guy: Two hundred pounds.
Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
Rich Guy: No.
Bernard: Sorry. I need leather bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next.
Bernard: [speaking through a megaphone] Right, the shop is closed, everybody get out! Time to go home, come on!
Old lady: But it's only quarter to three!
Bernard: Yes, but it's my shop.
[now shooing them out with a broom]
Bernard: Come on, go home, bye bye, get out...
Old lady: That's hardly fair!
Bernard: It isn't fair at all. Get out!
Rich Guy: I expect better service!
Bernard: Well, expect away. Goodbye! Come on, all you time-wasting bastards, back on the streets. Thank you!
[slams door]
Manny: I want the weekend off. I want a life.
Bernard: This is life! We suffer and slave and expire. That's it!
Manny: We have needs! Fran wants to learn the piano, I want some time to myself, you want to go out with a girl...
Bernard: Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you'll toil your life away, and I'll die alone, upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.
Manny: Let's paaaaar...
Bernard: Don't you dare use the word "party" as a verb in this shop!
Customer: [brings back copy of Tempocalypse] I bought this for a friend, and they didn't want it, i was wondering if i could exchange it, preferably for the money
Bernard: [grabs the book and begins flicking through it rapidly then stops] Aha! sand!
[collects some onto his finger]
Bernard: Manny!
[sprinkles it into manny's mouth]
Manny: [tasting the sand] Sardinia... South... Porto Scuzo... The little beach by the monastery.
Bernard: [to customer] Get out!
[shoves his book back into his hands]
Customer: Damn!
[leaves]
Bernard: [selling a book] Enjoy. It's dreadful, but quite short.
Bernard: Who are you?
First Customer: I'm a customer.
Bernard: Oh, right.
Bernard: You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.
Bernard: It's all waffle! Nobody is prepared to admit that wine doesn't have a taste.
Manny: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?
Bernard: It's some sort of delicious biscuit.
Manny: It's a coaster!
Manny: Right now, I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe.
Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon...
Bernard: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman.
Fran: Okay, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange?
Bernard: No, I'd ask you to come 'round and look after my small children.
Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.